The Joy of Being

While “alone” and “lonely” share the same Latin root, I suggest the two are quite different.  My perspective may be disputed by language scholars, but I believe “being alone” is a physical state while “being lonely” is a state of mind.  Both involve choice, but the motivation can be polar opposites.  Let me explain why I believe the two are not the same and why the difference matters.

Wanting to be alone reflects a need for solitude.  I need space for personal reflection – to recharge my batteries or have time to think.  I will go for a walk, find a place by a stream, or simply sit in my backyard listening to the birds.  I separate myself and seek quiet.  On the other hand, I can feel lonely in the middle of a crowd or sitting in a meeting.  It’s a mental state of disconnection.  I feel my energy tank approaching empty and I withdraw.  I’m not fun to be around when I’m in a lonely state of mind.

I’ve come to recognize there are key differences in my state of mind between the two.  The energy generated by each contains a different charge.  Understanding, embracing, and appreciating these differences is key to the health of my personal journey and relationships. 

Loneliness generates substantial negative energy.  Feeling lonely can occur in the midst of a large crowd or in the solitude of wilderness.  You may describe feeling lonely as being faceless surrounded by unobservant or invisible people.  When we live in this mental frame, we withdraw.  We become aloof and self-centered.  We drain energy from those around us and suck life from the universe.  Everything is about “me”.  Self-pity rises and eventually grows into self-contempt.  In the process, we lose compassion for others and ourselves.  Loneliness can be the first step on a slippery slope to depression.

Written by Harry Nilsson and made famous by Three Dog Night, the song “One” describes this feeling of loneliness from two perspectives.  First, is the experience of being lonely in a state of being alone.  The other perspective speaks succinctly to the experience of feeling alone even in the presence of another.  The lyrics clearly speak to the paradox.  Yes you can be lonely while being alone, but the two should not be confused.  When you view yourself as “me” instead of “we” you create fertile soil for loneliness.  “One” connotes “me” like no other word.

Being alone however is an entirely different experience.  Our personal journeys are ones we experience alone.  The decisions we make, actions taken, and path we choose are not made in consensus with others.  Others certainly influence our journeys and I'm grateful for each.  In the end though, our spiritual health is an inside job.  Solitude allows us to examine our place in the universe.  It gives us the space necessary to sort things out, explore feelings, and establish contact with our higher purpose.  These deeper perspectives enable us to function in more impactful and thoughtful ways with our world and the people around us.  Without periodic quiet, the noise around us blocks personal reflection. 

I’m a big fan of Martha Beck and her book “Finding Your Way in a Wild New World”.  Martha speaks of the practices and qualities of “wayfinders” and the value of being alone on a regular basis.  Finding connection to our higher purpose and meaning requires periods of reflection uninterrupted by the busyness of our lives.  We can’t listen intently if our lives our filled with noise.  I find answers and gain insights faster after I’ve been alone.  That doesn’t mean I don’t learn from others or can’t engage in collaborative thought.  But when I examine truly momentous changes in my life, they have all emerged after periods of solitude.  For me, connecting with nature is like plugging into a high voltage power line.  I come away with renewed energy eager to tackle even the most difficult personal situations.

It’s easy to confuse “being alone” with “loneliness” but the difference for me is vital.  When I feel lonely, it’s a warning sign that I’m failing to address an unmet need or I’m allowing something to rob me of joy.  It’s a call to action that when left unanswered, creates a downward spiral increasingly difficult to stop.  Feelings of loneliness can creep up in subtle ways, so it’s important to stay alert and maintain awareness.  The remedy for me is reach out and engage.  I have to be willing to share my situation with someone.  I have to admit when I’ve allowed myself to get into a funk and seek the help of others to pull me out.

On the other hand, being alone is a deliberate act motivated by a desire to connect in a deeper and more positive way.  It’s a creative act focused on self-improvement that allows me to bring more energy to what I do and the relationships around me.  It nourishes me like a shot of fresh juice or a cold drink on a hot day.  It’s rejuvenating.  Being alone isn’t selfish like loneliness.  Instead, it’s a proactive step that improves personal alignment and clarifies purpose.  It builds confidence and motivates engagement in a life-producing way.  After periods of meditation or ‘quiet time’ I am renewed in a way that lifts myself and those around me.

What about you?  Do you find that “being alone” and “being lonely” are the same?  Bring awareness to your feelings and I believe you’ll find the difference. 

The next step is yours.

Duane Grove is founder of Connect2Action and an aspiring quiet, reflective servant-leader.  He is a curious sage in perpetual development connecting us all on a journey of discovery of our highest purpose.  Follow Duane on Twitter @connect2action and connect with him on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+.  Learn more about Connect2Action by visiting www.connect2action.com.

You can follow his blogs at:  mindfulperspectives.blogspot.com and connect2action.blogspot.com