Shooting the Messenger

Before you get upset, I am not advocating violence.  Instead, I want to address a specific aspect of human communication that's frequently the root of disagreement, argument, and misunderstanding - misinterpretation.  Communication is a complex and difficult process.  While it may seem natural and easy, the process of exchanging ideas, information, and feelings always comes down to how the message is received.  Herein lies the issue.

The phrase “don’t shoot the messenger” is often used as a convenient, self-serving way of saying “I’m not responsible for the content”.  However, when you share something that isn’t received with the intent and in the spirit it was given, you are in fact responsible.  To insist a misunderstanding is the fault on the receiving side is selfish.  How many times have you said: “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way”?  While you may feel apologetic for failing to communicate, this phrase puts the onus on the other person, not you.  If you’re on the receiving end, you may feel devalued or even offended when you hear that phrase.

We are responsible for what we say and need to work diligently to ensure intent and meaning are clearly understood.  We own our role in communicating and can’t dismiss the possibility we misspoke or failed to express ourselves clearly.  We actually diminish the other person’s value when we brush them off by blaming them for a failure to communicate.  In figurative terms, we sometimes need to “shoot the messenger” by pointing back at ourselves. 

We have no way of knowing what is happening in another person’s life when we speak to them.  This is especially true in close relationships or in conversations when the stakes are high or the topic is sensitive.  It’s very easy to say something with the right heart and yet have it interpreted in an offensive, hurtful, or negative way.  Instead of blaming the other person for a failure to communicate, start with yourself.  Instead of saying “I’m sorry you took it that way”, simply say: “I’m sorry I failed to communicate clearly”.  Notice the difference in those statements.  Instead of “you” it becomes “I”.  Take responsibility for what you said at face value.  After all, it was your choice of words and non-verbal actions not theirs.   Use it as an opportunity to open dialog and search for ways of communicating what you truly intended.  Don’t walk away or blow it off.  You started the process and it’s your responsibility to tie up any loose ends.

The first step is to accept that the other person may be feeling offended or hurt.  Start with a sincere apology.  Then ask permission to clarify what you intended – start a conversation.   Ask the person to explain how you hurt or offended them by what you said (or how you said it).  Next try to appreciate how they felt.  Search for different ways of communicating what you meant in ways that don’t trigger the same reaction.  This may be require an iterative process.  You may have to address the topic in chunks instead of simply restating it all at once.  If you’re sincere in wanting to stay connected with the person, you’ll be patient enough to keep at it until shared meaning is found.

If I could, I would ban the phrase “I’m sorry you took it that way” from our vocabulary.  In my experience, it has been the most damaging response I’ve encountered.  Yes, I’ve been guilty of using it at times.  I can truthfully say when I have used it my underlying motivation has been defensive.  I didn’t want to own the fact that what I said was hurtful.  I was less interested in having a conversation and more concerned with just delivering a message.  It’s a very arrogant and selfish way of telling someone you feel more important than they are.

So next time you experience a failure to communicate, resist the temptation to drop the responsibility on someone else’s doorstep.  You said it – you own it.  And once the cat is out of the bag, you need to sustain dialog until the message you intended to deliver is clearly understood.  Lastly, if you really meant what was said even if it was hurtful, be big enough to admit it.

Duane is founder of Connect2Action and an aspiring quiet, reflective servant-leader.  He is a curious sage in perpetual development connecting all on a journey of discovery of our highest purpose.  Follow Duane on Twitter @connect2action and connect with him on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+.  Learn more about Connect2Action by visiting www.connect2action.com.

You can follow his blogs at:  mindfulperspectives.blogspot.com and connect2action.blogspot.com