Standing in my Truth

I get very angry with myself when I choose not to stand in my truth – stand for who I authentically am.  It happened again the other night and I’m still upset with myself.  I would describe my journey as an “all in” approach.  I seek and find the presence of eternal God in many different expressions.  It was in the midst of one of these experiences the other night when I hesitated to be myself.   Why?

I’ve been attending a weekly healing service for the last several months.  It’s a group led by a Catholic deacon with a distinct Pentecostal foundation.  I love the energy and presence of Spirit.   It’s a very Catholic Christian group and the teaching and rituals have an evangelical slant.  While I don’t agree with everything shared, I thoroughly enjoy connecting with other people who enthusiastically seek the face of God in their lives.  It’s often uplifting, energizing, and usually challenges me to stretch.

We were asked to share with a partner a “God moment” – a time when you were profoundly aware of God’s loving presence.  Here’s where I stepped off my path.  I have many moments when the presence of eternal Spirit has appeared and directly affected me.  Instead of sharing one of the moments when I experienced Love’s energy in transformative ways, I dug way back and shared something much simpler.  I talked about a time when sitting in Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome the sun’s light beamed down on me from behind the stained glass dove behind the high altar.   This was not only a Christian moment it was a very Catholic one.  Rather than share from my heart, I used my head instead.  I didn’t want to ‘offend’ anyone’s sensibilities.

As I rummaged through my experiences, in a few short moments I judged that sharing a more profound experience of Spirit that wasn’t Christian-centered would not be acceptable.  Worse, I feared being ridiculed or considered unwashed by others.  I could have shared from any number of moments, where I saw the hand of God at work.  My list included:

1. A time when my friend Jodi, a Reiki master cleared my chakras and moved my energy instantly without ever touching my body.  Her hands hovering over my head sent a shock through me I'll never forget.
2. The wisdom imparted by a South American Indian shaman who transformed my understanding of my divine heritage.
3. The moment I met my good friend Lori and we both instantly knew we were bound together from a previous life.
4. When an angel healer channeled the spirit of my departed grandfather who was reassuring and supporting me.
5. The appearance of Archangel Haniel who came to me with the news she has been my guardian imparting the gift of intuition I’ve always been aware of.
6. The times when I’ve hosted angel parties in my room that light the place up so bright I can’t hold my eyes open.

And there are many others.  My experience in Saint Peter’s was certainly a “God moment” but it was a safe option for me.  Why did I choose to deny the divine within and take a path I felt more acceptable to the people I shared with?  I can trace my reluctance to religious experiences growing up and even recent interactions with others.

Having been reared in a Christian home, I was regularly instructed that they possessed the only path to a happy and successful life topped off with a trip to heaven for the faithful.  If I didn’t accept the Christian version of truth, I would be forever doomed to burn in hell.  Quite frankly, I was scared into believing it was the only path.  But I was never comfortable on this path and couldn’t fully accept that there was only one way in.  This is where Christianity and I started to part ways.  Well-intentioned as they may be, my path to divine self is not one in the same as anyone else’s no matter how fervent their beliefs.  I believe access to God is not restricted and there is no single gate to gain entry.  To use a Willy Wonka analogy, there are as many “golden tickets” available as there are people who bless our Earth. 

I believe what struck me in the moment that night, was the prospect that once again, someone would condemn me for not seeing God in a prescribed way.  I would then have to tolerate attempts to “save me” or get me to realize my viewpoint is wrong.  Later in the service, someone stood up and said they felt as if some in the building were resisting God’s calling.   Once again a wave of self-doubt hit me.  I thought for a moment – “is she pointing at me?”  This was the insecure little boy sitting in Sunday school once again and I had to remind myself I am no longer that scared child.  Standing in my truth, I knew they weren’t referring to me, but it didn’t make me feel any happier in the moment.

I will likely continue to attend the prayer and healing services.  God is certainly present there and I am always open to Spirit’s embrace through the many forms she comes to us.  Perhaps next time I have the opportunity to share a “God moment” I will be more confident in myself and stand firmly in my own truth.

Duane is founder of Connect2Action and an aspiring quiet, reflective servant-leader.  He is a curious sage in perpetual development connecting all on a journey of discovery of our highest purpose.  Follow Duane on Twitter @connect2action and connect with him on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+.  Learn more about Connect2Action by visiting www.connect2action.com.

You can follow his blogs at:  mindfulperspectives.blogspot.com and connect2action.blogspot.com