Impact and Intent

I recently connected with a good friend with whom I hadn’t spoken in a number of months.  Greg is by far one of the most gentle and quiet spirits ever to bless my path.  Having studied and practiced as a Buddhist monk, he has an uncanny way of leading me down a rosy path before lovingly challenging me to seek deeper truth.  Our conversation was no different this time.

As we caught up with each other, we recounted the many positive blessings we had experienced as well as shared some deep pain and disappointment.  As he carefully navigated me into sharing, I was once again lulled into telling him of recent feelings of betrayal and anger I was still holding onto.  Just at the point I was starting to feel self-justified for my feelings, he recalled previous discussions:  “You know Duane, there is a big difference between impact and intent.”  OMG I thought as his simple reminder cut right through me. 

We went on to discuss this simple truth further.  You see, we own our truth when we speak to the impact someone’s words or actions have on us.  Feelings of hurt, betrayal, disappointment, etc… are true to us.  To deny them is like denying our own identity.  However, when we attach intent to those feelings, we move into as Greg reminded me the “blame and shame” game.  We have no justification when we judge that another intended to inflict pain upon us.  Even if they were to say so explicitly, we can’t reliably judge their heart.  When we attach intent to a situation, we cross a moral boundary and have set ourselves up as judge and jury. 

Whether we give voice to the pain someone’s words or actions have on us or remain silent, the affect of attaching intent to impact is the same.  For years, my normal communication mode had been to suffer in silence. I would experience the impact then allow the growing storm of anger and frustration to well up as I self-righteously believed the other person meant to hurt me.  The net effect was always isolation, destruction of trust, and loss of personal connection.  And the more I would stew over the injury, the worst it would get.  It wasn’t until I started exercising the courage to give voice to my pain and focus on the impact without judging intent that I was able to experience healing in the midst of injury.  In the midst of some very painful experiences of late, I had forgotten this simple truth.  Greg's words were a vital reminder that I had strayed from the path.

I’m reminded of the first Noble Truth of the Buddhist path – the truth of suffering.  As mortals on this earth, we are all destined to experience suffering.  Suffering is a necessary and vital component of the human journey.  Yet we spend so much energy trying to avoid pain we end up experiencing more of what we don’t want.  Once we embrace the first Noble Truth, we can explore the source of our suffering (second Noble Truth), and then move to understand how to move beyond it.  Suffering is an opportunity to learn and grow, not something to be avoided.  When we focus on the impact suffering is having on us, it allows us to shine the light of wisdom against the dark clouds and discover its source.   Often we find the source is within.  We have allowed a sense of self-righteousness or entitlement to creep in.  The root of the pain we experience is in believing ourselves better than the one with whom we experienced the injury.

Often, I discover that the source of my suffering is rooted in some form of self-serving behavior or thought.  It had less to do with what someone had said or done to me.  When I become too self-absorbed, I elevate myself over others – my world now revolves around my needs, my own interests, and me.  That’s when the injury I experience becomes an opportunity to “blame and shame” someone else instead of owning my truth and growing from it.

Next time you feel pain welling up inside when someone offends you, take a few deep breaths, honor the impact you feel, then move within and challenge yourself to discover where that feeling is coming from.  Work to disconnect the tendency to project intent to the injury, and take the higher path to learning.

One final thought.  My friend Greg now works with companies to bring the spirit of mindfulness to organizations.  If this is a resource you are interested in, contact me and I would be happy to connect you with him.

Duane Grove is founder of Connect2Action and an aspiring quiet, reflective servant-leader.  Curious sage in perpetual development connecting all on a journey of discovery of our highest purpose.  Follow Duane on Twitter @connect2action and connect with him on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+.  Learn more about Connect2Action by visiting www.connect2action.com.

You can follow his blogs at:  mindfulperspectives.blogspot.com and connect2action.blogspot.com